The Vatican Pieta by Michael Angelo 1498-1499
Greetings beautiful people
One of my favorite pass times is to study religious beliefs in addition to my own. It’s not a secret that I am what humans call a “Christian”. I believe in Christ, the holy trinity, he died for our sins etc. Yet I realize how crazy my belief system sounds. I mean, the thought that a woman gave birth to a child without sex is nuts! A little boy threw a pebble at a giant and killed him. A bush set on fire spoke. The Red Sea split and blind Saul became all seeing Paul.
Yes I know.
Yet more than these things it bothers me more all the doctrine that comes with being a Christian. There are too many denominations and the rules are almost impossible to follow and remain a free think hip member of contemporary society.
It is for this reason that I have looked at my belief system, and I’ve decided that it’s both too easy and too difficult to become and remain a good Christian. I have looked over our processes as a spiritual people and set forth a plan of correction. The following suggestions are my recommendations for what it should/would take to become a Christian in…..Ty-land.
I believe that my suggestions are the most efficient spiritually sound benchmarks to weed out the real Christians from the fake. These 4 steps to being the best Christian ever are standardized test, baring your own cross, an exorcism, and finally a one time initiation fee
Standardized test:
Anyone seeking to be saved from the eternal fires of hell will have to take the (ACAT)” Authentic Christian Assessment Test”. It is my belief that the world is filled with those who quote scripture in the name of judgment, but seldom follow the example they expect to see. It has been my observation that some people simply need say they accept Jesus Christ as their lord and personal savior, in order to be considered a born again Christian. The ACAT makes it a bit more difficult to be seen as one of God’s chosen people.
Much like the SAT’s; the ACAT is standardized test all wannabe Christians must take and complete with a 80% or better. The ACAT is a 170 question multiple choice and essay exam on bible knowledge, moral philosophy, and common sense.
On the ACAT, there will be 1 essay question, bible knowledge writing questions, 54 moral questions, and 67 critical reasoning questions that count towards your score. So, there is a total of 170 ACAT test questions.
Bare your own cross:
Just as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ had to carry his very own cross on which he was eventually crucified, so to shall you (in a manner of speaking). You won’t have to be crucified in order to become one of God’s chosen people, but you will have to carry a cross.
All applicants will carry a cross equal to their own body weight for a 3 mile stretch (Holy Trinity) annually. The reason for this is so that you will (symbolically) walk the walk that Jesus did.
The cross is equal to your body weight because, your burdens are yours to bare. Now while Christianity teaches you to lay those burdens on the lord, this will be the one time yearly in which you will be responsible for carrying them all on your own.
This process will take place yearly, preferably on “Good Friday”.
It will begin at 7am (The God hour). It can be completed no later than 3pm (3 for the Holy Trinity). If someone fails to carry their cross the entire 3 miles in the time allotted then they will have to apply for an application to become a Christian next year.
FAQ
What will the cross be made of?
The cross will be made of hollowed wood with adjustable cylindrical weights that can be added or removed. This is to calibrate the weight of your cross to your body.
What if my weight is on the large size? Do I still have to carry a cross that is my body weight and for 3 miles?
The answer is yes. There are no exceptions. No matter how large, thin, tall, short, age , etc. Think of it as we need soldiers for God. If the United States military looks for the best of the best physical specimens to defend our freedom, then imagine the standard of specimen God looks for to defend his grace.
Who watches you to make sure you carried the cross all the way?
God watches you! Also a government appointment observer, who is paid to watch and report rather you accomplished your goal of not.
What will happen if I am disabled and unable to carry a cross that heavy 3 miles?
Never doubt the power of God. As we said before there are no exceptions. If you were meant to be a Christian and go to heaven, then the power of Christ would compel you to bear your own cross, which will be your weight, for 3 miles. Have faith, for all things are possible though Christ
Exorcism:
Exorcism (from Late Latin exorcismus, from Greek ἐξορκισμός, exorkismos – binding by oath) is the religious practice of evicting demons or other spiritual entities from a person or place which they are believed to have possessed. Depending on the spiritual beliefs of the exorcist, this may be done by causing the entity to swear an oath, performing an elaborate ritual, or simply by commanding it to depart in the name of a higher power. The term became prominent in early Christianity from the early 2nd century onward as the casting out of demons.[1] Nevertheless, the practice is quite ancient and part of the belief system of many cultures and religions.
Everyone has past demons they have to deal with. Therefore everyone looking to be born through the body of Christ must have an exorcism performed on them.
Wikipedia describes a Christian exorcism as: rituals ostensibly performed in the name of Jesus Christ or through prayer.
In Christian practice the person performing the exorcism, known as an exorcist, is often a member of the church, or an individual thought to be graced with special powers or skills. The exorcist may use prayers, and religious material, such as set formulas, gestures, symbols, icons, amulets, etc. The exorcist often invokes God, Jesus and/or several different angels and archangels to intervene with the exorcism.
In general, possessed persons are not regarded as evil in themselves, nor wholly responsible for their actions. Therefore, practitioners regard exorcism as more of a cure than a punishment. The mainstream rituals usually take this into account, making sure that there is no violence to the possessed, only that they be tied down if there is potential for violence.
Details about the exorcism are few and far between and this is because each ceremony varies from person to person. Applicants are encouraged to be prepared to be isolated from the world for at least 2 weeks. Sometimes people return with limbs missing, other times people return with lobotomy’s. More often than not, people would return clear and demon free. Sure there might be some bruises, but would you want to walk with Jesus with a big fat demon on your back? I think not.
One time initiation fee:
Plain and simple, it cost $7,000 to become a Christian! You might think this is steep, but how much is your soul worth? Seven grand verses eternal damnation….you make the choice. Why seven grand you say? Well, you have to pay for the government appointed observer to watch you bare your cross. You have to pay for repentance (salvation isn’t cheap!)! A portion of your fee goes towards the production of the “American Idol” style show to choose your spiritual leader. Etc.
Well beautiful people these are the basics to Christianity according to Ty. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns… Please feel free to comment here and I’ll answer or respond.
Until next time
Yo brotha
Ty
Mr. Sawyer's Opus 