How to Maintain the Best Dysfunctional Relationship Possible!

Greetings beautiful people 

So I wanted to take a moment to give a few words of advice on a subject that I have a depth of knowledge in. That subject being “The Dysfunctional Relationship”.

Through years of trial and errors, I have become an expert in some ways on the subject and felt I wouldn’t be doing my duty as a good brotha to you all if I didn’t share what I’ve learned.

This blog is for anyone seeking to establish and maintain a dysfunctional relationship.  It takes years to learn how to self loath and lower ones self esteem to the point where you are ready for a dysfunctional relationship.  Yet with a few helpful hints, I can have you on the fast track to public displays of destruction, arguments, and freedom from the tyranny of peace.

Never examine yourself:

Mirrors are for people who want to see themselves in reverse.  You are a forward thinker.  Never examine yourself.  Always think of yourself as perfect.  Do you make mistakes?  No.  You make the world a more interesting place.  When things are going bad in the relationship, acknowledge the fact that things are going as planned.  You can’t maintain a dysfunctional relationship without drama.  So why mess that up by examining yourself and giving in to the possibility that some of this sh*t may actually be your fault?

Find someone attractive you have nothing in common with:

This is important because you must like looking at this person.

You will be seeing them often, so it helps that they aren’t bad on the eyes.  Now beyond this, make sure you have completely different taste.  If your spouse likes R & B, then you should love rock.  If they like romantic comedies then, you must be a die hard action or horror movie kind of person.  If they dress conservative, then you should dress bohemian.

Now the latter is never a reason to look un-presentable.  You should always be Studio 54 ready rather your in a cardigan or a head wrap.  Just remember always look your best, and always disagree on very “subjective” issues.

Commit:

This is important since you will be with this person for the long haul.  You must commit to disaster with the testicular fortitude of George W. Bush!  As long as violence isn’t involved there is no good reason to leave a dysfunctional relationship.

Be loyal.  Understand that being loyal is quite different from being faithful.  Being faithful means, no cheating.  You are with this person, and no one else.  Being loyal means that you have formed an allegiance with your spouse.  You will ride or die for each other.  They should know with certainty that no matter what idiotic thing you will do, or have done you will always be by your spouse, and vice versa.

Only give the illusion of trust:

Never trust anyone!  Not even yourself!  If your friends convince you through long conversations over food and drink that you need to let down your guard and be open to all that love has to offer, then you will fail!

Always suspect that your spouse is doing something wrong.  Is he/she cheating?  Embrace paranoia and the answer will be a big shinny “YES”!

Every time they don’t call between 8:30pm and 8: 45pm, but waits later till like 10pm because they had to work over, then they are lying!

When you called and they didn’t answer claiming that they were asleep and didn’t hear the phone, they are lying!

Yet let me make it clear, you are never under any circumstances to confront your spouse with any of the above.  Always smile and keep a standard face.  Collect data.  Develop a photographic memory of every inconsistent moment they have.  This will fill your pretty little head with enough insane thoughts to lead your own ethnic cleansing party when the time comes.

Trust only the illusion:

Take your spouse at face value.  They are what they say they are.  If they say they are loyal, kind, smart, clean, healthy, and trustworthy.  Then good people, you should listen.  Rest easy at night, knowing you have found that diamond in the rough.

When they do something completely out of their character, like “IDONTKNOW” have a dirty text message conversation with someone they had an affair with the week before, then don’t worry!  (Before I go any further, I want to say that it doesn’t matter how you obtain this venomous information, just remember, you’re in a dysfunctional relationship. These things have a way of coming to the surface).

Anyway.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, so don’t freak out at the text message.  Just hold this information for the right time.  What would be the right time Ty? I’m glad you asked.  Examples of the right time would be (speaking hypothetically, but not really) at your spouse’s family function.

Other great opportunities to divulge this information would be in a nice quiet fancy restaurant.  Just think, over the light chatter, and the silverware clinging, you’ll have the perfect moment to try out that “HEYIKNOWYOUBEENCHEATINGONME” line that’s been festering in your head for a while now.

Make sure the person talks about their ex a little too often (always on a positive light):

This is a favorite of mine.  I mean nothing will give you greater pleasure then to hear about all the wonderful exploits your spouse and their ex partook in prior to your arrival on Planet Dysfunction.

Make sure your spouse always has that look of nostalgia in their eyes when they go back to those gentle warm places.

Make sure everything you want to do, they’ve already done first.  Never think of your self as second to none, but rather maybe like third or fourth.  This train of thought is good at fueling insecurity and jealousy, which are two of the greatest assets to a dysfunctional relationship.

Be co dependent:

Oh, you must ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS be seen together.

You must develop a symbiotic relationship.  The whole must become greater than the sum of its parts.  If you were an independent person before, then make plans to leave all that behind. You must need each other!  You must loose the ability to make decisions on your own.  Know that unless it’s run by your spouse, it’s just not right!

Your friends must start to see you guys as one unit.  Show up together everywhere!  After a few months of this, you will know that co dependence is occurring when your friends start to combine your names and only see you as one person.  If you happen to arrive early before she or he does, then your friends will look confused and inquire as to the whereabouts of some of your more vital organs and appendages.

Have sex after every argument:

This will be fun.  You will yell and say some of the most hurtful things to each other in a fit of rage, and afterwards (sweet loving will happen)!  Once the deed is done, it’s important to remember that nothing you argued about prior to the sex has been resolved, but rather hastened till a later date.  This will create a beautiful vicious cycle that will keep you arguing and then banging and then arguing and then banging and then arguing and then banging etc!

Drink a lot or do other mind altering substances:

This will assist you in saying the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times see (trust only the illusion).  Note that while under the influence, you can say just about anything.  If you say something completely out of line, then your spouse can say,”Oh he/she’s just a little tipsy!”

This will be fine until you two get alone.  Your spouse will spazz out on you completely and they will have good reason to.  Your only means of escape from this madness will be to do the following.  Let your spouse yell!  Let them scream!  Just as their ready to conclude their tirade, you should use this opportunity to vomit.

Yes people vomit!

This will do the following.  It will completely defuse the situation.  Your spouse will either be so grossed out by this that they’ll retreat as far away from you as possible, they will feel that you got what you deserved with your drink ass, or they will feel sorry for you and want to take care of you. Either way, you win you looser!

Ladies embrace the fact that you are crazy:

Yes, ladies I said it. You are crazy!  Not psych hospital crazy, but something far more insane.  Who else could drive themselves to tears at the thought that the “Sex and the City” series concluded only to be reborn on the big screen?

You buy expensive shoes that hurt your feet and you complain that men don’t know your pain (Men in Atlanta would disagree with you).  You should only indulge further in this behavior.

You should take every opportunity to inform your man of how bad he dresses.  Make comments at how attractive you think Idris Elba is, while giving your man the side eye.  Speak in cute baby talk to your man as if your playing a little game without ever noticing that he does not speak to you with baby talk and probably thinks your bat shit!

Men embrace the fact that we are stupid:

The pursuit to educate yourself will only be to the detriment of the dysfunctional relationship.  There is no book you will read that will make you smarter than a woman.

Actually, accept the fact that we are born intellectually inferior and just go with it.

Use simple answers, like yes or no.  Only use “maybe” on those rare occasions when she needs you to be decisive.  This will guarantee an argument of epic proportions.  No matter how simple she breaks it down, for you, why she’s upset with you, never make any attempt to understand.  For this is the acquisition of knowledge, which falls under an attempt to educate oneself and as I said previously, it will only be to the detriment of the dysfunctional relationship.

Move in together as soon as possible:

Oh yeah!  How soon is too soon?  Doesn’t matter, move in.

This way you can spend as much time around each other as possible.  So what, you don’t know each other that well.  That’s what living together will do.  You will learn every dirty little habit you’ve never wanted to know about another human being in your life.

You will know the true nature of your spouse or depending how long you’ve known each other, you can refer to them as TNPIS (The New Person I’m Seeing).  So what, they now share a lease with you?  So what, they don’t pay rent on time or at all?  So what,  they fart, leave dishes in the sink, have a cat, have a dog, have a cat and a dog?

All these things will make you uncomfortable to the point you might consider murder.  Yet rest assured that just when the presence of your spouse has you on the edge, get ready to jump because there is nowhere to go to get respite.  You two live together.   

No argument is too small:

Do you want Chinese or American? Let the yelling begin.  Dysfunctional relationships thrive better in environments that are hostile.  You two must be dedicated to maintaining this hostile environment at all cost.

Never let anything go.  If you were wondering if your spouse is being too controlling and yet again imposing their will upon you, then the answer is yes!  Go in!  Tell them you don’t want Chinese and if anything Chinese-like enters your house your going to put a bullet through your head after you tear the whole gotdamn building down!

It’s best to let a little argument like this move on to other non related topics, such as how you hate your spouse’s curtains, and how their mother is a bitch, and everyone knows it, but is too afraid to admit it.  Yep, this will be the perfect maturation place for your relationship.

Remember you are never wrong:

You come from “Planet Right” where no one makes “lefts”, and your never wrong. Everyone on Earth, but you, speaks in conjectures and opinions.

Hold true to this fact no matter what proof you may be confronted with, you are always right.

Well these were just a few things off the top of my head to assist you all with maintaining healthy dysfunctional relationships.  I wish someone had written something like this for me before I went into my dysfunctional relationships, then they never would’ve ended and I would have never had to feel the burden of freedom and peace.  I want you all out there yelling in the streets, tearing up homes, and blowing up cell phones.  Show your commitment to such a just cause.

Until next time

Yo brotha

Ty

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11 thoughts on “How to Maintain the Best Dysfunctional Relationship Possible!

  1. Doice John says:

    I really enjoyed this Ty! very thought provoking. I’m forwarding as i type!

  2. adrienne says:

    Lol @ collect data! Man…I feel like I could’ve co-authored this with my latest relationship. Love it.

    • Mr. Sawyer says:

      lol…if you have anything to contribute, please list them here and i’ll amend my blog!

      • adrienne says:

        You don’t really have to add this, but if I were to co-author, this is how my section would read:

        Let everything pile up:

        Men, refuse to discuss anything in detail. Tell her you’ll call her back. Suggest taking a time out. Then call the next day like nothing ever happened. When she brings up the subject you were arguing about, say that you have a lot on your mind right now and would appreciate it if you could discuss it later. Don’t. Never discuss it. Distract her by making elusive promises to go away together or to sit down and talk over dinner. Don’t do any of this either. Just keep making and breaking promises. If she corners you into talking, make it seem like everything is her fault. If you’re not smart enough to do this (see men are stupid) pretend like you have another appointment or your mother is on the other line and you can’t talk right now. Tell her you’ll call her right back and then, don’t. When she calls to ask why you didn’t call her back, don’t answer the phone. Wait until she starts cussing you out via text messages. Don’t respond to those either. Then just when you think she’s done with you, find a reason to come over but don’t ever apologize. If she’s crazy enough (and she probably is if she’s with you) she’ll be so happy to see you she’ll put off the argument for one. more. day.

      • Mr. Sawyer says:

        LOL!! Yeah, you get it!

  3. mjcache says:

    Hilarious and true.

  4. This is so insanely classic. Epic! You should print copies and pass them along to friends and enemies alike!

    Ah!!! Success.

  5. BeBot says:

    Ty, great work my friend! I’ll admit, I haven’t read it all yet, but I plan on reading it in its entirety. Just wanted to post that I dig it so far. The messed up thing is, I’ll read and feel parts of it..but them realize what you’re actually saying! Not that it’s wrong, but it’s not the way I would percieve (or want to) my relationship. Although, I understand disfunction will find its way into any relationship, the thing that differs is the level of disfunctionality (I hope that’s a word). Good times.

  6. Dara Brown says:

    hahahahahahahahaha! I love this Ty! You’ve done it again.

  7. Love it! I have been on planet dysfunction…and stayed there far too long. Shoulda read this blog about 5 years ago!

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